How I Learned To to Stop Playing By the Rules

Tammra Reigh
Mar 23
4 min read

The Rules

Since childhood, we’ve been conditioned to believe if we follow the rules, life will turn out the way it’s supposed to.

We’re taught obedience to the rules leads to reward.

Discipline ensures success.

Morality guarantees favor.

We check every box, follow every guideline, and yet—somehow—we still feel empty, lost, unfulfilled.

Because following the rules won’t save you.

Religious institutions, family structures, and society at large have built entire systems on this belief: if you’re a “good” person, if you do everything right, if you never step out of line, then you’ll be safe.

Loved. Accepted. Worthy.

I believed if I did everything right, then everything should turn out right. Right?

I followed every rule I was told about men and relationships.

Make him court you. Let him pay. He should call first, not you. If he wants to see you, he’ll make it happen. Don’t give it up too soon. Make him wait. If he marries you, he must really love you.

I did everything I was supposed to do. So why didn’t it work? Why didn’t my heart stay intact? Why did I end up broken anyway?

Because people teach you rules. They don’t teach you reason.

They don’t teach you to ask—why?

Why should he court you? Why should he pay? Why should he open your door? Why is it wrong for you to call if you want to talk?

I remember reading The Rules before I met my husband. And don’t get me wrong—they work.

But following a set of rules doesn’t change your character.

This is the problem I always had with Think Like a Man, Act Like a Woman.

Why act like a woman? Why not be one?

This is the same problem Jesus had with the religious leaders of His time. They were so obsessed with following the rules, yet they didn’t understand the nature of God at all.

When I woke up from my 30-year slumber, I realized I had been sleep on God all along.

I cared more about the outside of the cup than the inside. I chased perfection while ignoring the truth. I tried to fix the outside while my soul slowly withered away.

Because I thought the rules were the way.

But the rules were never meant to be a prison.

They were meant to be training wheels.

This is why the Bible says, Train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are older, they will not depart from it.

That’s the purpose of rules.

It’s why we give kids bedtimes, teach them to brush their teeth, make them do their homework and chores. Not to control them forever. But to build a foundation. To teach them how to function.

You don’t give your child a bedtime so they’ll always sleep at 8:30 PM. You do it so they learn what it feels like to be well-rested. You don’t force them to brush their teeth because they have to do it. You do it so they learn what good hygiene feels like. You don’t give them chores to punish them. You do it so they learn the importance of cleanliness and responsibility.

The rules are a guide. They are not the destination.

They were never meant to be chains.

But just like silly children, we don’t appreciate the things our parents taught us until we’re much older.

And just like the Pharisees in Jesus’ time, people follow rules religiously without ever understanding why.

The Illusion of Safety

Rules give us the illusion of control.

They make us feel like if we just do everything right, we can avoid pain, heartbreak, and failure.

But life doesn’t work that way.

You can marry the person who checks all the right boxes and still end up in a broken relationship.
You can work the stable job, save money, and plan for the future, only to have everything collapse in an instant.
You can follow religious laws to the letter and still feel distant from God.

Rules don’t guarantee fulfillment. They don’t create true alignment. They don’t replace discernment, wisdom, or divine relationship.

God Cares More About Your Heart Than Your Rulebook

Many of us grew up believing God is a strict judge keeping score—tallying every mistake, determining our worth based on how well we obey.

But if that were true, then the most righteous people on paper would be the most spiritually alive.

Yet, Jesus had the harshest words for the religious elite—the rule-followers.

He didn’t praise the ones who lived by the book. He praised the ones who lived by faith.

Because God isn’t looking at how well you color inside the lines. He’s looking at the condition of your heart.

The Pharisees followed the law perfectly, yet they missed the heart of God entirely.
The rich young ruler had done everything “right,” yet Jesus told him he still lacked one thing.
The woman at the well had broken every rule, yet she encountered God in a way the rule-followers never did.

The difference?

Relationship. Surrender. Transformation.

You can follow every rule in the book and still be spiritually asleep. You can break every rule and still find yourself at the feet of God—fully seen, fully known, fully loved.

What Actually Leads to Freedom?

The rules aren’t what save you.

Truth does. Surrender does. Authenticity does.

The rules exist to guide, not to bind.

When you live in alignment with truth, you don’t need a rigid rulebook to tell you how to live.

You simply are who you were created to be.

That’s why Jesus simplified everything down to two commandments:

Love God. Love others as you love yourself.

No rulebook will ever be more powerful than that.

Because rules won’t save you.

God does that.

And God doesn’t care about your rules.